Down The Rabbit Hole

You know life is funny. But, right now,  I am not laughing. There really are days when I want to give the finger to the universe! I mean who doesn't?

I dig the Zen movement, I align myself with positiveness, I say Namaste, I like to sit under trees, talk to the moon. I have been known douche myself with essential oil to zen myself out, while also yelling curse words. True story.  

I sage out my bad juju - hold a crystal or two and I am eternally grateful for the good stuff in life. You get the point. 

Snowflakes and Feathers

As I sat outside under the blanket of a heavily pink winter's sky, I stayed focused on my phone. Scrolling through Facebook my hands were cold and starting to feel a bit numb, I wondered how many other people were still awake?

Chances were not very many.

People were most likely fast asleep under their mountain of warm blankets. Oblivious to the night sky and it's looming snow  storm.

It was close to midnight and a very crisp 25 degrees out. The weather forecast was all the enticement I needed to throw on a coat and wait for it to start snowing.

I love the sound of snow. Some people don't hear it the way I do, or connect with freshly fallen snow the way I always have. And the prospect of a million snowflakes made me feel excited!

I have had a love affair with winter and the way snow makes me feel since I was young. The large white flakes cascading down like confetti from the heavens above, making everything gray turn pristine and white. New. Snow makes everything feel and look new again. 

According to the weather report, at approximately 12:15 a.m. we would be hit again by a mega snow storm. I wanted to be in it, even if it was late. Even if I was the only other living soul waiting for the snow fall to begin, I was cool with that.

I moved my large faux fur coat around pulling it closer to my now frozen cheeks while adjusting my floppily knitted blue hat. Damn, it was cold outside!

My coat is affectionately named  "pimp coat". Large and slightly crazy looking, all I needed was a few big gold chains and it could easily make a fantastic Halloween costume! I never wear it in public though, as there's no way I would ever be caught and seen outside of my backyard with it on. Ever.

As I sat, I eagerly waited for the snow to start. "This is ridiculous, I am going to freeze to death out here." I murmured to myself. Out of scrolling material and no large iced up flakes to gather my attention, I figured I should make my way back inside before I became a frozen piece of meat.

I started to half way stand up from my seat when out of the corner of my eye, I saw something fall to the ground, just as a large snowflake would.

Yes! The snow must be starting. I was eager to expierience the feeling of peace that comes with the complete stillness that snow often brings with it.

I arched my head to look towards my open backyard to see the evidence in the air, to confirm that it had truly began snowing. There was nothing.

Weird, I thought. The ground around me was encapsulated with several days old snow. Looking more like frozen ice now having been trampled on by both dogs and snow boots.  Some of it was patchy and dirty, many spots now sporting a mixed brown and gray look.

It had been a crazy winter thus far and despite my dislike for driving in heavy snow, I kept my childlike wonder about me. I mean come on! It's going to snow!

I would usually be the first person in the house to yell out "look, it's snowing! It's beautiful, come see it!" while I often stood mesmerized by it- as if I had never seen snow before. And my excitement was usually met with the moans and groans of everyone else whom never seemed to be as pleased about it, like I was. Whatever.

And then there's me; a girl and her vibes, freezing her ass off under my big blue spruce tree. Waiting patiently for the snow to show up, like a child waiting for a parent to come home from work. Looking at the time, watching, wondering and waiting.

I guess the weatherman was wrong. Again. Maybe I had seen one lone flake make it's journey down to earth and that's all there was.

To my surprise though, I saw two other "flakes" flutter to the ground in front of me. Well, I thought they were snowflakes.  The winter sky cast a light pink hue,  barely enough to make out much detail. I was startled, as the two "flakes" pierced the ground in front of my feet.

Wtf is that!? For some reason I became fearful. I could hardly  make out the shape of what had fallen infront of my feet. Two small objects literally sticking up and out of the old snow like little pins.

Now, understand that I am actually a pretty rational thinking person. Despite my many spiritual experiences, most of the time I still meet these experiences with a skeptical eye.

The first thing I thought was "holy hell, those look like little arrows!" Mind you, I am fully aware there are not little people roaming in my tree shooting small arrows at me. Well, atleast 99.9% sure. So, what is going on here?

I ever so slowly grabbed my phone and turned on it's "torch light" even slower, I brought the light upward to shine it above me towards the under belly of my tree. From my lit up phone I saw several small feathers were falling, fluttering and landing around me.

My heart skipped a beat, as I spied a gigantic owl several branches above me, just chilling in my tree. I unconsciously held my breath.

I have been lucky enough to have amazing experiences with owls in my backyard. Mostly screech owls, small like a typical barn owl. I live in the city though, so even having seen one or two screetch owl before was miraculous to me!

This was no small owl above me. She was majestic! With it's wing stretched out like it's own branch, it's mouth routing around deeply within it's creamy brown colored feathers, preening itself.

I quickly turned my light off. I sank back into my frozen chair and just closed my eyes with my head tilted upwards, waiting for the owl to bestow me with more of her feathery gifts. I was awestruck.

Time stood still. I was no longer a frozen popcicle, I was warm and in that moment felt more alive than I had in months.

I heard each small feather as it danced and flitted down to land on my coat and a few even on my face. It sounded like snow. And I was inexplicably shaking inside.

This was insane! Owl feathers landing on top of me and my "pimp coat!" At half past midnight!? What kind of sign was the universe giving me? As I took a long breath into my nose, I again felt the sting of winter as the frozen air made it's way into my lungs and back out again.

I heard movement above me and flapped my eyes open. Just as the owl made eye contact with me, she gave out a sharp shrill that cut my consciousness in half and flew out from under my tree and away she went. Leaving me breathless as I gathered my thoughts.

Wow. Just wow. I looked down towards the ground to admire the gifts she had indeed given me. Small feathers stuck in my cap as if I had just won something.

I stood and snapped a few pictures of the feathers sticking up in the ground. Funny my first thought was small arrows! But, as you can see, they do look strikingly similar!

As I made my way back to my very inviting and warm house, it began to snow. Snow like I have never seen it snow before!

I stopped for a moment, closed my eyes again and connected with the feeling of peace and dizziness I had just experienced under my tree.

The snow makes a sound when it falls, unlike the splat of rain when it hits, flakes gather ontop of one another and as they did, I heard it's symphony. I was engulfed in large, cold, fluffy and sparkling white flakes.

I opened my mouth and turned my head towards the dumping sky. I felt a few icey flakes hit my mouth and instantly dissapear. I felt like a child again, full of dreams and anticipation.

I twirled in the snow like a 5 year old for a good several minutes before stumblingly and wobbling my way back into my house. The warm air greeted me, and I began to melt. Small ice blobs that had formed on the brim of my hat dripped onto my face. I stood at my sliding glass door gazing at the snow fall while trying to make sense of it all. 

I don't know what exactly the message was, but, I am sure that owl has given me one.

Perhaps, the message would come forward like spring does, melting off the old piles of snow, bringing forth new growth and life. And I would recognize it's meaning?

Either way, I had just experienced something amazing and beautiful. And this too, would mean I was no longer the same person whom initially sat under the tree, waiting for the snow to start. I was different somehow, and full of gratitude for every second of it.

She has not come back, or at least I have not seen her. But, I like to believe we shared a connection of sorts in that chilly wintery moment. When she had hovered above me and then opened her wings leaving small feathered messages behind and flew away. I feel as if we might meet again someday.

The colorful autumn leafs are beginning to fall and flitter again. I await this winters snow fall with anticipation for that chance meeting with her; hoping for another magical forecast of snowflakes and feathers.

Break On Through to the Other Side

This is my journey, a lucid spiritual break through to the other side. Some may call it a spiritually transformative event, out of body or even a near death experience (NDE). It has changed not only my spiritual beliefs it has profoundly changed me as a person.  

When I had this spiritually mind blowing adventure, I was going through a very difficult time in my life. I was not even sure if I wanted to be here. I was not able to show up in my own life anymore. No, I was not contemplating suicide. However, I was questioning why I was here in this life time.

 What was the purpose of all of this? Why was everything seemingly so difficult for me? I was crying out for help and comfort from the Universe, from God; whatever you choose to call it. 

Trust me when I say I was in a mental place of anguish and heartache. As raw as one could be I plead through teary eyes for answers, for anything that made sense. 

I originally posted this on the Near Death Experience website NDERF  www.nderf.org  in 2012. (Great Web Site, thousands of stories!) The actual event though was much earlier, in the year 2000. I had immediately wrote down every detail that I could remember. I decided late one night to share this on the NDERF website. Using my name of Lori E. I decided to again share it some years later on my business Facebook page www.facebook.com/Lorijell1.

At the end of my submission to the NDERF site they asked many questions to clarify my experience. I decided to keep the question and answer section in this post. The questions from NDERF are in italics. I have cleaned up my original post for clarity and here we are.

Perhaps if you feel compelled to read this long and crazy in a good way post, then maybe the universe brought you here for a reason?

This experience is and was 100% REAL for me. It was not a dream. It was not the result of an over active imagination or a hallucination. It may rattle some of your own beliefs about the after life, maybe even religion. I am O.K. with that as well.  Open mindedness is a virtue.

-Enjoy

I was lying in my bed. It was dark in my room however, it was not very late. I could hear my family watching T.V. in the living room which was just outside my bedroom door. I was not asleep, yet not completely awake either. I was relaxed but, internally I was a angry and ugly mess.

I was talking to myself inwardly. I was thinking about what actually happens when we die and if what I believed to be true was actually true. I mean how the hell do any of us really know what happens when we leave this body? Religion tells us one thing and there are also many religions. Each claiming to be the “right” one. Is there a “right religion?” 

 I question everything in life. I have always needed to experience something to actually believe it. Faith—I was never good at faith. I am often in my own head, reeling around ideas and thoughts probably more than most people I know. A over thinker- I have been labeled that once or twice.

My entire life I have been connected to others peoples thoughts, feelings and emotions all of which I felt and continue to feel on a seemingly deeper level than a lot of those around me. Being spiritually open has never been a challenge for me however, my experiences can be. Often times my experiences end up challenging what I thought I “knew” about life.

Growing up feeling like I belonged somewhere else, seeing spirits, seeing energy, seeing through people and not really knowing why I am how I am, was difficult. Sometimes it still is. My intuition didn't come with a handbook for me or my poor parents.

I have always sought validity for my feelings and emotions even when those feelings and emotions seemed to be greater than the sum of myself. I am and was always searching for a greater purpose and reason. As Socrates said long ago, "the unexamined life is a life not worth living." That has always been my truth. And thus, I examine everything.  

As I laid in my bed speaking out loud to the universe, I suddenly I saw a pinpoint of light in the left corner of my room. I was both surprised and skeptical. "It wasn't there a second ago!" I remember saying to myself, "What the hell is that?!" I squinted my eyes in the darkness originally thinking the light must be coming from outside my window.

 Then I felt a giant pull upwards. Then a release from my body as I evidently separated from it. I knew my physical body had remained on the bed below me and yet I was also somehow "out of my body" all at the same time.

As soon as I had acknowledged the light, I was in it. There are truly no words to describe what I saw. Different colors swayed and mixed together. Reds, greens, purples and blues- I had never seen those colors in that way before. Ever. Almost as if the colors themselves were alive. They were all around me dancing and twisting!

 I felt a tunnel-like presence around me, a worm hole of sorts. The swirling of colors mixed in with what looked like lights was truly amazing. "Amazing" doesn't even adequately describe it but, there are no other words I can use here. "Life-alerting"—yes that probably works.

I was being pulled upwards and outwards all at the same time. I retained my ability to think just like I always have and I was actually still talking to myself! I was very aware in that moment of how insane this all was.

 My mind scrambled to make sense of it!

I never actually saw my hands or feet, nor did I feel like I had a shape or form really. I was simply a being of pulsating energy sliding around. The feeling would be similar to being on a water slide but, sliding upward instead of sliding down.

I was then pushed out of the end of this tunnel and I had no control over that. I found myself in a belt of what looked like stars both above me and below me. I wasn't exactly "immersed" within the stars. The “stars” did not appear to be in close enough proximity for me to actually touch them. Yet there they were everywhere around me. 

I had to take a second. I needed to find my footing, so I could sort all of this out logically. Meaning, I had no fricking idea what was going on and I needed to know!

I tried to empty my mind of all thoughts and just be. Before I had a chance to do that though, I became aware of what was in front of me. It looked like a corridor of sorts. Before I finished my thought about what it might be, I was in it. Boom! I was just there! 

I saw a sparkling light at the end of the corridor. I deliberately didn't initiate the feeling of wanting to be at the end of the corridor. Honestly, I wanted to stay right where I was. And I knew if I had that thought or desire, then I would be there at the end of the tunnel- immediately.

I was definitely within some kind of luminous and translucent structure. I guess the best way to describe it would be perhaps as a "hologram".

To my left there was a series of screens. They reminded me of large movie screens. Suddenly I could see movement on the screen. Holy shit! That's Me! I immediately saw and felt all of my choices in this very lifetime. There was absolutely NO judgment attached to it. None. I wasn't judging my life, I was simply seeing it. 

To my right it was very dim. I "felt" like the right side was reserved for when I actually did physically die. Maybe then I would be privy to what was actually there?

I was aware although I cannot tell you how I was aware, that the right side of this hologram contained all the possibilities and probabilities of this lifetime. Every single ramification good, bad or indifferent of every choice I have ever made.  That each and every choice had it's own energy and course of action. Every action or inaction became my physical experience in life. And not just the physical life I was living here on earth. I began to feel as if I still experienced the paths I chose not to go down, the alternative choices were still affecting me as a soul. Infinite parallels.

I asked in thought "why the hell am I here?" A voice came out of no where. This voice  seemed to be everywhere within and around me then told me it was because I had asked to be there, I had asked to know. 

I knew this voice. It was comforting and familiar and yet I knew it was God. How was that possible? How did I know this voice?

I immediately questioned the voice about it being a female voice. I had always envisioned "God" to be male. Religious dogma leaves little choice in the matter and I had always expected to be greeted in a male voice. That is, if I should ever make it over to the other side and there really was a other side.

I was shocked to hear/feel that I had chosen this voice, because… it was MINE! It was MY voice! I suddenly knew that I was part of the universe! I was not separate! I was not some "being" simply cast into a world and separate from God—I was God, if you will. I was part of the universe, I was part of a consciousness that was alive within myself and outside of myself.

I knew instantly we as humans are ALL a part of this life force, this universal conscious and we are all ONE. It was all-encompassing, all around me and within. I felt as if I were a balloon being given air, expanding and then contracting. I was free, and yet I was connected to this voice. This voice was a layer—a layer of a billion other souls speaking. I knew I was not alone there!

I actually felt and simultaneously saw millions maybe even billions of souls of light behind a hazy, curtain-like substance in front of me. I was delirious. I was overcome with the tangible feelings of love, aspiration, hope and faith. I could feel every other soul's compassion and love for me. It was the most overwhelming, most extraordinary thing I have ever felt in my life! Ever.

Nothing I have ever felt in this lifetime has ever felt like that. Nothing even close.

 Speaking of it almost diminishes it's meaning and beauty for I do not have the words available to describe how it truly felt. Even reflecting on this as I write, I am again overwhelmed with those feelings. Like a tiny twinge deep within myself, I can still feel it. It is not as glorious, it is a bit faded- but wow, it is still there. It is still a part of me.

I heard the thoughts of everyone and yet it was not craziness like voices in one's head—it was all in thought and it all made sense. I also intuitively knew the screen like structures to my right which were dim and not fully available to me were also connected to ALL of my incarnations.

Yes, incarnations! Suddenly I could actually feel all of my lives I was living, all at the same time! I felt them! Each and everyone of them. In great design, woven together. Each life felt as if it were part of a larger tapestry each and every thread was a piece of my soul. With pieces of myself out stretched and experiencing life like vines attached to a central root all in so many different ways! It was brief and I did not have a chance to focus on just one experience or lifetime.

This was completely foreign to me as I had always believed in reincarnation and "past lives" just not simultaneous lives. I didn't even know it was a possibility nor do I even know how to wrap my brain around that some nineteen years later. Why would we live lives all at once? Wasn't the purpose to evolve through each life and to live and learn, do better the next go-around? Evidently, not exactly.

I got the distinct impression we were living lives to raise consciousness. By raising the vibration around us we change the earth, we change the experience of life. Of not only my own life, but that of others. (I have done a lot of post-thinking about this. I believe through raising consciousness we are actually living and learning to be more compassionate and loving, through all of our trials and tribulations we are given this opportunity.) That my actions in any given lifetime have a direct impact on this lifetime and each of the others.

I am also aware that what I do right now in the lifetime as Lori, actually effects every single piece of myself in every lifetime I am simultaneously living. So, yes, figuring this life time out now, what my purpose is and how I interact with the world around me affects my highest self or what some call the over-soul. As it is all one in the same.

I felt so safe and so complete. It was apparent how fractured I had felt before. How separate I had felt. I actually remember feeling so desperately sad that I was so unaware of my own connection with God, the earth and everything around me. 

Even though I had always known we were connected as people, I did not know we were all the SAME. We all have the same knowledge and wisdom within us. It is a playing field we all belong on. Allow me to me say that again; we all belong! We are all the same!

I went forward to the end of the corridor towards the haziness and beautiful lights. I noticed a old boyfriend of mine. He was holding flowers of pink and white. He moved from the outside of the corridor to the inside of the corridor and moved towards me. I felt his love for me and it was filled with kindness. I however, was baffled as to why he was even there.

 I didn't know he had passed away some years earlier. I had no idea! I didn't even equate the fact he must be dead. I had often thought about him and missed him, a teenage love I hadn't seen in years. (*see below)

I thanked him for being there and I meant it. I can't recall him saying anything to me. He looked so great though, peaceful and his smile permeated my being. I could feel myself smiling back, an acknowledgment of sorts. 

I turned to my right and saw my then father-in-law's mother. She had her arms extended towards me. I hadn't know her in "real" life all that well before she had passed away. She looked like she had when she passed. White hair, pretty smile.

I asked her why did she still look so old? (there's me questioning again!) She then changed to a beautiful young girl. She told me her form was dependent on her own will. She could be anything and everything. I thanked her for being there but, asked her why my own grandfather wasn't there. I mean come on! I was apparently out of my body and I am telling you, if I had manufactured this experience it would of included seeing him.

She stated he was very busy but, he was always there. He was always around me and connected to me as we are all part of the same energy source. I accepted that answer.

I was then handed an orange crayon. Yes, a crayon. I was told I needed to let go of all my fears and negative feelings. I was instructed to write them in the air. I started writing. Starting with fear, lost loves, frustration, hate, unworthiness.

"Unworthiness” stuck out the most to me. I felt a sense of shame pouring out myself. Shame for allowing my life to fall apart. Shame for feeling unworthy. All of which are earthy feelings. Each of those feelings carries a energy of its own. All of my hurtful feelings towards myself and others I felt them and was told to release them. 

As I wrote these words and acknowledged their existence within myself, the top of the list dissipated. Like a scroll of some kind. As the list dissipated I felt absolutely incredible. I felt perfect, like everything was as it should be. I have never felt that before. Not one time.

Every piece of the puzzle was in place. I was aware of my own consciousness as a large net. A net connected to a endless matrix of other nets. I could sense manifestation in action, that is the only way I can describe it. Creation, adventure, success, health, satisfaction, love, all of it. All of which were balancing on the edges of my own consciousness. 

It became clearer and clearer as I allowed myself to let go of what was coloring my perception of self and what I thought I knew.

All I needed to do was focus on it—I just needed to allow it into my sight. Everything I could ever want was available. I was responsible for letting it into my life. I was beginning to see. 

Kind of like when you lose something. You go back and look and look again in the same places. Suddenly the tenth time you open the drawer you see it there! It wasn't magically put there, it was there the entire time you just didn't see it.

 Now I saw it! It was the law of manifestation/attraction right in front of me. How everything is already there for me and for you and for everyone. I just needed to allow it come forward. 

In my life I had been overly absorbed in my own willingness to be blind. If I let go of fear and embraced my worthiness, I could effortlessly let my life ; with all of it's possibilities and manifestations roll into my line of vision. It was already mine.

 I only needed to understand that I was worthy of it. Worthy of finding and having my balance. Worthy of love that did not hurt. That true love does not hurt. It has no strings or expectations attached. That I deserved it. That happiness is my birth right and no one could ever take that from me. I could only give it away.

 I understood that was precisely what I had done in my life.

 I gave my choice of happiness away to someone else believing I didn't deserve to be happy. That I was not worthy of being happy. That because of some of my life choices, I was continually punishing myself with the belief that a bunch of shit in life is what I deserved. That this was my bed I had created and I was to lay in it. And the truth is, I had helped create it. All. Of .It. The good, the bad, the in-between. I was punishing myself, albeit mostly unconscious, it had to stop. 

I simply didn't know anything else, until that moment. I was asleep in drivers seat of my own life. And I just didn't know it.

I was then aware of a veil in front of me and desperately wanted to go behind the veil. It was a hazy fibrous curtain and I just wanted on the other side of it. I thought of it and half expected to be sucked into it. To my disappointment, I was not.

I was "told" I couldn't enter that realm yet as I was needed back in my body. That what was behind the curtain was reserved for when my life on earth was done. I asked what it was like behind there. Because of course, inquiring minds need to know!

 I was told or more like felt—it was all peace, love and understanding. Something even bigger than I was currently experiencing. A space of healing and continued learning, stacked realities and a expansiveness that never ended. 

I also felt the deep wanting from souls behind the curtainous veil, to actually live a physical life. That life in a physical body was what they clamored for. That in essence life itself is a gift and should not be squandered. That each choice I make and have made, have led me to this very moment of crying out to the universe for help. That I alone was responsible for my perceived disconnect. That I could change my life, that I was the writer of my own narrative.  No one else but, me.

I was told/felt that each of us are spiritual beings having a human experience. Getting closer to love and the meaning of love through being ALIVE. Think about that! How often do we fight against love? All. The. Time. And we have little idea that we do it.

We fight it when we do not allow it into our lives. When we close ourselves off to who we truly are, there is no love. We fight it when we accept the label of victim, when we commiserate in misery. When we choose to look at the world as a pit of despair and evil, we see no love. When we mistreat ourselves, mistreat one another there is no love. When we poison and disregard the earth which is what sustains us, there is no love. When we mindlessly eat meat without a thought of where it came from, there is no love.

I still feverishly wanted behind that veil and I actually tried to think of a way back there! My thoughts were swiftly pulled in another direction.  I was shown that each soul had a home of sorts that they created for themselves. I knew intuitively now, that thoughts create form. So I pictured myself in a huge and glorious, glittered up house.

My ego wanted some big elaborate house. This in itself was so strange. I have never felt my ego separate from myself. As if it were it's own entity.  I felt embarrassed for wanting something so elaborate.  

  I felt like most other souls there didn't need some big huge house. No one said it, I just intuitively knew it.  Souls on the other-side created something for themselves that was healing. Those soul created houses or homes were indeed behind that curtain.
  
The healing, love, understanding was without the presence of ego or judgment. I knew I was the only one judging myself. I was even judging my house. Ego is not part of the afterlife!

I could feel a pull in the middle of my being and I knew my time left there was very limited. I didn't want to leave. I felt too complete and whole. I felt loved—and not the kind peppered with judgment and scrutiny. I was part of something—I wasn't different, I was the same and I belonged.

 I asked with my feelings and thoughts if I could please just get a fleeting glimpse of what it will be like when it is my time to go behind that curtain, when I actually died. I am unsure of why I needed that or even asked for that, but I did.

 Without warning I was inundated with the sounds and echos of the loudest party! I was delirious with emotions. I saw my parents and friends and a million other beings clapping for me welcoming me home. Home, meaning I would return there someday. And there would be a place waiting for me.

 It was such a extraordinarily beautiful feeling of joy, bliss and peace. I was being honored in a way I did not know existed, honored for just being me and honoring the life I would someday be leaving far behind. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of a life well lived. And that feeling swelled inside of being. A life well lived. That is my goal. 

I then saw the brightest light I have ever seen. Ever. It was not light or airy, it was not white. I will never forget seeing it or feeling it. Ever.  

 It was like warm molasses and it filled every single speck of my being!   Every tiny piece of my self was full and overflowing in that light. The light was love, pure, unadulterated love. It was so spectacular that I cry again while writing this. I was wanted. Truly wanted. I was loved. I was needed and I was a part of something so exponentially bigger than I had ever imagined or still to this day fully comprehend. 

I know there will be a place waiting for me when I leave this lifetime.  My body is just a vehicle so that I can have this human experience. That the intention of life is to get closer to love. To change life and living through the lenses of love. There is no "them". We are all one.

We are all the same once you strip back all the b.s we like to incorporate into our identity.  At the beginning of the day and the end of the day, one truth; we are all human beings. That is my identity. Not white, not a woman, not a wife or mother, but a human being! Just like everyone else. 

 That thick like molasses, amber colored light was alive with feelings of abundance and self forgiveness. It was actually buzzing with life.  For a split second I knew what it felt like to be free of all worldly attachments, free of my own ego, free of all thoughts and just be. Free. I was free!

I didn't have to think a certain way to be accepted. I just was. Beliefs in this lifetime would not preclude me or anyone else from being accepted into that amazing space we often call heaven.

As I stood in that magnificent light I immediately understood that I also carry that inside of me, everyday of my life. It hasn't abandoned me. It is a intrinsic part of me and has always been a part of me in such a mind blowing way. 

We are all connected to this light. Every single one of us, regardless of our beliefs, regardless of our choices, race, color or gender, that light is there. That energy is there.   As soon as I realized that, I felt a jerk backwards—boom. No beautiful descent with colors and beauty like there had been on my way there. I was suddenly back where I had started;  in my dark bedroom. I immediately began to cry uncontrollably. 

*I was completely unaware that my teenage love had actually passed away prior of my experience. Sadly, he committed suicide. I have found that so many people left behind after someone leaves in this manner, are in agony over the thought of their loved one's soul not having found a place in the after-life. This is confirmation and reassurance that souls whom commit suicide are absolutely in the same place as other loved ones. To know that people struggle with the horrendous feelings of fear that their loved ones are in some state of perpetual hell because of their choice is the most upsetting to me. I can't even imagine that! My experience showed me that we are all ONE and we are ALL the same and we are ALL accepted. That we will see our loved ones again and that we are never alone in this life. 

I want to make sure to state that suicide is a permanate solution to a temporary problem. And That suicide is not the way out, or a easy way out. It causes ripples with in our own life path and that of others. And what we do not finish here, we will evidently live it out somehow and someway.

I am forever changed by this. I could and can never be the same person. While true I am a work in progress and even with this spiritually transformative event happening to me it has taken me years to let go of what wasn't working in my life. Years of careful reflection juxtaposed against what I thought I knew and what I experienced.

Moments of realization and clarity and moments of darkness and pain. Each teaching me something amazing about myself. And you know what? I like who I am. I love myself. It is insane to me to even write that. To love myself? What?! That is a real thing? Oh yes it is. I have found that space deep with in myself that says, I am OK, you're OK and it's all going to be OK. Exhale.

Below are the questions which NDERF included as part of the submission experience submission form.

Were there any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?  No. Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words?  Yes. It is difficult to communicate because I can't seem to find the words to adequately describe and convey the overwhelming feelings I felt and what I saw.  The colors themselves were not anything I have ever seen with my human eyes. I find it almost odd to try and speak about it, because it was nothing I have ever experienced in my physical body on this earth. There is no way I can use language to adequately describe what I felt and saw. At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?  No What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?  I was completely alert—conscious to the point of asking questions. I was curious and felt like "this is my chance to know the truth." I have always had questions like everyone else does. Now, for me, I have been able to answer some of those. Was the experience dream like in any way?  No, I was fully aware of everything that was happening. I could see in all directions and feel things I have never felt in this life time before. Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?  Yes. I was just light. I couldn't see my features, but I was aware of myself. What emotions did you feel during the experience?  Love, trust, compassion, exhilaration and excitement and even some confusion. I think I felt everything I could possibly feel—that was so wonderful!! Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?  I heard a humming noise, also. The humming noise though when I focused on it, seemed to be a million different voices and yet I was not confused by that. LOCATION DESCRIPTION: Did you recognize any familiar locations or any locations from familiar religious teachings or encounter any locations inhabited by incredible or amazing creatures?  Nothing negative. And it wasn't like I had thought "heaven" should be or would be. It was so absolute to me.  As if we create our own "heaven" with our own thoughts. Did you see a light?  Yes. A pinhole of white light on the the ceiling to my left in my bedroom. At the end of my experience I saw and felt an all-encompassing yellow/gold light that was warm and thick. I don't know how else to describe it. Not light and airy, but hearty, alive and wonderfully beautiful—and it was LOVE. Did you meet or see any other beings?  Yes. As previously described. Did you experiment while out of the body or in another, altered state?  Yes. I tried to cross through the hazy veil. It didn't work out.  

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?   Yes. I was unaware my ex-boyfriend had passed away. I was able to verify this after my experience. Sadly, he had passed by suicide. So I can tell you that people who pass from suicide are most certainly in that realm of the other side. Did you notice how your 5 senses were working, and if so, how were they different?  Uncertain. It was as if all senses were rolled up into one and I was super sensitive. I don't remember tasting or smelling anything, but emotionally speaking, I was on overdrive. It's still hard to formulate into words. I could see 360 degrees all around me. I was aware of everything in front of me, beside me, in back of me, and above, below me and yet also within myself. Did you have any sense of altered space or time?  Yes. It felt as if there was no time. I also sensed that I was alive in other places. As in alive in other bodies, all at the same time. No one said this, I felt it. The feelings had knowledge attached to them or better yet, embedded in them—so if I felt it, I also "knew it." Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?  Yes. I knew time was not A-Z. I felt a suspension in time. I knew life events were in "probables." That nothing was set in stone. I knew that rigid beliefs were what actually keep us stuck within ourselves. I understood that we over-identify with our outer selves and under-identify with what's inside of ourselves. I knew the reason for life was to experience everything. That my soul wanted to be in a physical state. I had always thought it was life that was hard and why the hell would we even want to be here? I came to the understanding that life is what my soul clamors for. That to be in the physical was something to be honored and thankful for. I felt myself releasing so many fears that were trapped inside me. I was changed by what I saw and felt. I no longer was fearful to be me—that person who was always odd and different because she had some weirdo ability to feel energy and see things other people never spoke about and that made her different. I sometimes still struggle with that however, I am not ashamed of it or me. Not anymore and never again. Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?  Uncertain. I wanted to go further forward into the area before me that was hazy. I could feel a million souls communicating at once and all communicating with me. I really wanted to be fully enveloped within the scene. I heard and felt the voice tell me gently that it was not my actual time to leave my life. I wasn't given a choice to stay or I am telling you, I would have. Even though I was not leaving an ailing body, I couldn't have cared less about going back to my body. Did you become aware of future events?   Both yes and no. I somehow knew I would be helping people with their own understanding of life. Although I had actually fought that my entire life. I never wanted to be "weird" or"different." I just wanted to be like everyone else. The more I pushed back against my ability to just "know" certain things in life- about people, places, events, the future, the more it came alive within me. This is another example of that. How could something so significant happen to me and be for just a self-serving purpose and only for me? I don't believe that. So with being intuitive this isn't something I can just keep dormant inside of myself. Bits and pieces of this knowledge flood in and out of myself unspoken, everyday. I don't think I always have to talk to someone in need, I can just almost breathe it out there. It's the weirdest thing to let energy flow from yourself to someone else and exchange what is unseen. Empathy, healing and understanding are examples of this. I know if I feel it at some level, everyone can—that we are all indeed, connected. Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body?  Yes. I was aware I was being pulled back to my body. I also had a sense that I was about to return. Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?  Yes. My intuitive/psychic abilities have been heightened through my understanding of both the after life and the greater purpose of we are are are in this lifetime to begin with. Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?  Yes. I certainly now believe we live simultaneous lives. I believe that what I do in this lifetime now, affects the other lifetimes I am living. For clarity and understanding, I often use the term “past lives” However, time is a illusion. There is no actual “time.” I am unsure of how else to explain that so it makes sense. I now know we are not punished or judged by anyone. Our judgment is here on earth, we are always judging ourselves and others. Yes, I can have an opinion on something or someone. I however, am not going to judge you on your opinion or feelings. Mostly I want to know where someone else is coming from and all that came into forming said opinion or feeling. I suppose that is a form of diplomacy. Most often when I see something tragic happen or someone intentionally hurting someone else, my first response is empathy. I can't change that internal response. Regardless of the situation, I think of how deep that persons own pain must be to lash out and hurt themselves or others. It is through judgment on earth that we either learn bigger lessons or we do not. Judgment is ego's sister. Through ego we feel justified in labeling a person or an entire group of people, allowing us to feel superior. There was no superiority on the other side. None. I know now that it is okay just to "be." That I am already enough. (sometimes I still need reminding of this, after all; I am still human ) I try every day to be kind to myself and to others. Some days are easier than others. I really have no room for judgment in my life. I know we are here as human beings to evolve our consciousness, I believe that every one of us is doing just that, each at their own pace and within their own life paths. Free will to choose love over anything else is the most powerful gift of all. When we understand that lesson and live from a place of love for self, love for others whom we perceive different from ourselves, we have accomplished the ultimate goal. How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices?  We are all made of the same light, the same energy. Being so connected and seeing the similarities in myself and others has made it extremely easy for me to communicate with people and to support their journeys here on earth. I am able to tell people with complete certainty that we are all connected, that we are all one. What you do in your life affects the whole, just as what I do in mine affects not only myself, but the whole. I know there is absolutely nothing to fear about death, understanding it is just a transition away from the physical. Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?  Yes. I will elaborate in question twenty-eight. However, I have had experiences where the universe has connected me with people in the most insane of ways—one person in particular who was contemplating suicide. I know that isn't part of this experience but, I KNOW it is because of this experience that I was able to help him. The event of meeting him and how we met and why, is still one of the most significant experiences of my life. With knowledge I was able to stop him from committing suicide by rethinking his life and healing occurred. I can't even describe to you how that changed me as a human being. It all started from my knowing my own "truth" through my OBE to the "other side." Have you shared this experience with others?  Yes. I have on occasion shared my experience with people when asked what I believe happens when we die. I believe just talking about it with people opens a new door for them. A different way of thinking, new possibilities. I am an ordinary person who happens to be intuitive. However, I am a human being like everyone else and I think this helps lend to the authenticity of what I am saying. Me being a semi normal average person. I don't wrap my hair up like a swami or carry a crystal ball or call myself a guru. That might be fine for someone else, it just isn't me. After my experience, I felt so much more connected to everyone and everything around me—from the dining room table to the neighbor next door. It is a very strange feeling. I accept it as normal now and just accept it as such. We are all energy, connected at the source. Like a spider with ten million legs—I am one of those legs and so are you and we are part of the whole. What emotions did you experience following your experience?  I started crying uncontrollably when I was suddenly jolted back into my bed. It was my body's response to something so overwhelmingly beautiful. The crying wasn't from fear but, more likely from a sensory overload. What was the best and worst part of your experience?   The worst being my physical mind started to immediately question what I had just encountered. I wanted to retain that feeling of overwhelming love and jubilation mixed with the "I just won the hundred- million dollar lottery!!" excitement all rolled into one big feeling. I still feel it, but it is in the confines of my body and mind. The entire experience seems much more diminished when I put it into words. Words/language are more like boundaries that prevent me from expressing my feelings more than they help me capture those feelings, if that makes any sense. Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?   I have had other amazing experiences in my lifetime—one actually dealing with the afterlife, where I was a by stander in another realm watching someone have their own near death experience after a car accident. I don't know why I was there, I just was. Just saying that out loud I understand how crazy it sounds. However, I observed it first-hand. I am unsure if they knew I was there but, I was. That experience has also altered the way I see life, and people, and the afterlife. Thinking about it, I still have trouble wrapping my brain around it. I feel so privileged to have been there and yet I still have no idea why I saw what I saw or why. Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?  Yes. I often have synchronicity in meeting certain people. People whom are suffering in their daily lives. It is beyond chance. There is NO WAY these encounters "just happen." I don't necessarily speak to them about all my experience per-say. However, I use my knowledge of what awaits us and how we are all connected within this creative universe often. I try to share it in ways that make sense to others. Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?  Yes Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire. I can't think of any. Thank you for allowing me to share my experience.

Death on the kitchen floor.

     There are some things that a girl might figure she may never have to experience in her own life. And then there is me. I say this sarcastically of course. I have had more than my fair share of intense perhaps some would say crazy experiences, spiritual and otherwise. This is certainly one of them.

    Something I know we don't talk about enough is death. So this is why I have chosen to talk about it and share my story.  One of many seemingly crazy cosmic events, odd synchronizations and spiritual experiences I have had.  

    Why me?   I am not completely sure. I am starting to believe it is so I can share these life changing experiences with other people. We can help heal one another through our own narratives and observations. That feels right to me.

   Why else would one go through so much in one life time? Unless all I have gone through and come to understand serves a greater purpose?